The Unwilling Dance Mom

With dance competition season in full swing, and another weekend approaching that I’ll have to dedicate to it, I can’t help but reflect on what led me down this path of dance motherhood. How did me, the most unlikely of candidates become a dance mom of all things.

I never saw it coming. I feel I was just swept along unsuspecting not knowing this simple activity of dance would manifest into this phenomenon in my life. My friend (if I still should refer to her as that) suggested we place our girls, at the time 3 & 4, in dance. Cool, my daughter I felt needed an activity, though I preferred sports, dance was harmless, and plus my daughter is no athlete! She can’t even run. Oh they were so cute! Fun fun! So, when did the fun stop, and this become well not so much fun at all!

My friend (and fellow companion dance mom) and her daughter moves. My daughter gets bumped up a company, because of her skill set, and I’m thrown into a total different world of dance Mom’s. These people eat, sleep, and breathe dance! Once an activity I allowed my daughter to participate in just for fun, was no longer that. There is this underlying, unspoken competition among the dance mom’s. Dance causes these women to lose sleep. Everything is a big deal! They are so involved. They even give suggestions to the dance teachers. They have opinions on everything. Anxious mothers twittering constantly around their daughters make me nervous. My long awaited weekends are taken up by rehearsals, pictures, recitals, competitions. My funds are stretched over monthly fees, costume fees, accessories, dance gear, the numerous pairs of dance shoes and the constant replenishing of tights.

So, why am I here preparing for another weekend stuck in a dark auditorium amongst heavily made up accessorized dancers, and anxious mom’s? Because she loves it, my daughter LOVES IT! She dances unconsciously, around the house, in the store, at church ,wherever, constantly. She choreographs new dances daily. She voluntarily participates in the talent shows hosted at her school. You don’t have to plead with her to practice, she just does. That in itself is crazy…I constantly have to threaten her with physical harm or death to get her to do most anything. There’s not too much you can get my 12 year old to take seriously, but dance is as much part of her as breathing. She dreams of dancing her way through school, a professional career and eventually owning her own studio. Will she do it, is she good enough? I don’t know, but what I do know is I will support her dream every dance step of the way!

But, I will not, repeat will not! Lose one wink of sleep over it. Geez people get your own life! And baby just have fun!

From joy unimaginable, to pain unexplainable.
For the briefest of time in our lives you came,
but your imprint in our hearts will forever remain.

Jealousy the Green Eyed Monster

Exodus 20:17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

Until recently I can tell you I had been pretty much impervious to jealousy/envy. Always able to be happy for others good fortune….bigger homes, nicer cars, better clothes, skinnier thighs and their flatter bellies, didn’t deter my happiness. But upon the recent announcement of 2 new expectant mothers…what was that tinge? Sure I was happy for them, downright ecstatic! Such an exciting time! Could it be, could I be? Noooooooooooooo….. But, yet here I was among all this great excitement……jealous. Yes, there it’s out! I was jealous! J-E-A-L-O-U-S.

Fresh off the high of a recent pregnancy….why would envy/jealousy strike? Sure, I don’t miss the constant trips to the restroom, the inability to find a comfortable sleep position, the “get nowhere fast” walk, but oh boy there are some major perks. There are only a few type of people in life that are catered too above anyone else…the rich, the famous and the pregnant. There’s nothing like the lifestyle of the rich, famous and the pregnant. As the rich and famous is, so is the pregnant. Complete strangers befriend you, fascinated by your ever protruding budge. Constant photo op’s. Family and friends are not only at your beck and call…heck most of the time they don’t even give you a chance to call, preferring to intercede to prevent you from doing even the minimal of tasks. The constant flood of treats! How unselfish and courteous people are toward the pregnant! The baby showers that flood you with gifts and well wishes…it’s all about you baby! And how about those nurses during labor and delivery…ultimate caterers! You’re just a Pampered Princess for months on end.

Oh and the excitement of just being pregnant! It has to be comparable to Oscar night or the Emmy’s! The doctor’s visit that give you tiny glimpses into the life that’s growing inside you, the much anticipated first movements, is it a boy or a girl? What color to paint the baby’s room? Family, friends and yes complete strangers are just so excited and happy for you.

So, yes I must admit I was a smidge jealous of the pregnant, the lifestyle is enviable. But, I couldn’t be happier for my friends for this is truly an exciting, and joyous time. So, now that that’s out, I must repent. “Lord forgive me for coveting the lifestyle of the rich, the famous and yes Lord the pregnant. Amen.”

Captured Heart

As I sit here at work I quickly flip open my cell phone to glimpse at a picture of my baby boy Sean Michael. He's lying on a blanket, the morning sun pours in from the window and spills across his face and he's simply gazing at me. He's peaceful, beautiful, that time and place was peaceful and beautiful. I can close my eyes now and the memories of that time flood my senses, so still, quiet and sweet, just me and my baby boy. Quickly I have to open my eyes to prevent the tears that hover constantly near the corners of my eyes from falling. It seems such a distant time ago, but it was only 3 months ago.

It was a time of peace something that eludes me quite often in this life, a time of joy and a love so new and instant and pure, and unconditional, the bond between a mother and child. It is during this time that you discover what’s truly important in life and where you so perfectly belong, and that it is for this miracle you were created to care for and love. Why it feels like your heart is literally being torn from your body, when you have to turn his care over to someone else, when it was you who was designed to care and love him. It's not natural to part this early! Everything within me revolted against it. I understood how a woman could leave a hard worked for hard earned career and completely change her lifestyle to have mornings like this. Oh how I understood! I didn’t want to go back! No more mornings like this!? Only mornings filled with the busyness of preparing for the day. I prayed for a miracle that would deliver me from having to go back, but the day came…… and to work I returned. The miracle I received was the blessing of having a job in a recession when so many had lost theirs, but still…….

Now each day I leave him is a little easier, not effortless, but easier. It helps that I work with hundreds of mom’s that do the same each day. I get through my workday and actually enjoy it for the most part. Now when I get home I may actually put him down as I go about and do chores around the house and not feel I have to hold him. Life has continued though I returned to work (as if there was an option). But, I still miss and long for the time when days were longer, plentiful and unrushed. When I was the one that provided the care my baby needed throughout the day and that’s all I wanted to do and be. My joy so overwhelming it left me speechless and all I could do was just hold him and marvel at this miracle God had entrusted me with.

So, my mind goes back to that day when my sweet little baby Sean Michael lay simply gazing back at me as the morning sun streams through the window. I can still feel the silence and peacefulness of that place in time. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, our mornings unrushed were drawing to an end. I remember thinking as I grabbed the camera let me capture on film what has completely captured my heart.