This is a lengthy post...I chose to be detailed.....
The 4th of July though rainy and sunless was a good day and it was Sean’s first! Tacara was with her dad and grandparents as is her tradition. So, Sean and I set off to visit Pastor Baker and his family with the promises of good eats ahead. We had a good time, and of course we ate good! Mission accomplished good food and surrounded by family. Next mission was to head to Little Rock to the baseball game my friend Melissa had graciously invited us to. I’m not into baseball, but a private luxury suite, food and friends and fireworks, heck yeah I’m game! Check out Sean’s patriotic gear, and snobby Carson. She’ll be begging for his attention one day!
Tuesday, July 7th
Sean’s caregiver informs me that Sean has been running a fever! Not going to panic, as I usually do. It’s all under control. Get home, give fever reducer, and it’ll all be good. On my way home my job called, I need to fix a problem. Get home, fix problem. Dag, late to pick Tacara up…gotta rush! Okay, I’ll give Sean the meds when we return home.
We return home. I give Sean Ibuprofen. Sean begins to do some jerky strange movements of the head, very scary jerky movements. We, Tacara, Sean and I rush to the emergency room. I’m still not stressed, but very concerned, but I’m thinking its febrile seizures, as my friend’s daughter had episodes of them. Tacara set silently beside me praying. Attempted to contact John, he arrived pretty much when we were leaving around midnight. After wasting numerous hours in the Conway hospital emergency room, we left with more questions than answers. Didn’t believe it was febrile seizures. Suggest more testing, CTSCAN , EEG and seeing his doctor asap. Now, I’m scared. I pray, every breath is a prayer. Sean’s fever is raging. But, my little man summons strength to smile and play…..a little, but something is definitely wrong. I’m thankful for Tacara’s presence. She loves her brother and she brings me great comfort. We go home tired and very worried. I hold Sean all night long, matching my breaths with his, I fall asleep.
Wednesday, July 8th
I call in to work; we’re going to the doctor. Sean’s lethargic. Fever high. I give him fever reducer, but it doesn’t work. We get an appointment for 9 am. Dr. Lucas, our favorite pediatrician, assures me Sean is not fighting something life threatening, but senses my fears and wants to lay them to rest. Blood work good, ears good. Sean is kinda active, but I KNOW somethings wrong. I feel it. Dr. Lucas wants me to try and get footage. Really! Frustrated, scared. On the way home, mere minutes after leaving the doctor’s office, Sean has another episode. I start crying. My Pastor calls during that moment. He wants me to come by the church; I’m less than 2 minutes away. I don’t want to go home anyway. I want answers. He holds Sean as we sit in his office. It’s calming. Sean just lays his head on Pastor. Sean is quiet and very warm to the touch. Pastor prays for Sean. I feel better. We talk. I leave feeling better, even laughing, but I’m still concerned about my baby.
I get home and pick Tacara up, she needs to eat. We go to Chick Fil A. Tacara tries to give Sean her straw, which he always roughly yanks out our cups, but he doesn’t touch it. I believe that’s the moment Tacara realized Sean was sick. Sean loves straws; he does whatever it takes to remove it from your cup. Tacara shouts “Mama what’s wrong with him!” I wish I could explain how I felt. I wanted to cry, there’s this huge huge knot in my stomach. Tacara films Sean with the camera. I get home give Sean the fever reducer. I can’t eat. I’m going back to the pediatrician’s office. They’re at lunch. That’s okay, we’ll wait. Dr. Lucas reviews the footage and tells me to take Sean to Children’s; he’ll make the necessary calls. I get home and pack some things for Sean and we’re off. I feel better. I have more confidence that we’d find the answers to our questions. Sean sleeps, Tacara sits back, and I eat. It’s about 1:30.
I’m so thankful Tacara is with me. Not only is she help and a comfort, she is a distraction! She makes me laugh, this is one silly girl. I actually need her, and I’m the Mom. I love this silly girl of mine.
We’re in the emergency room for a long time, but we were in it for the long haul. Cell phones had no signal, then it died, but I had updated my family and friends. The emergency room was busy. We laughed at a funny little girl that took a lady’s McDonald French fries; we listened as staff tried to communicate with a non speaking English couple. We watch as other children passed through the emergency room. We wait and wait.
Looky here! Amy arrives! I could have just cried! Really. It meant a lot. I know how important it is to Amy to immediately retrieve her children after work, and here she was in the ER checking on us! I was grateful, and I was further calmed, by her presence.
I know, you may notice John is absent during these events, but we had not being doing good for months, barely speaking and he just left me to handle this. Can I say STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally we’re called to a room. It’s probably around 7pm. John calls to be updated.
Woo hoo! It’s Brandi! Here she is pregnant, third trimester pregnant, with food, after being at work all day! Tacara is happy. I’m thrilled! My stomach is in knots still, but I eat. Boy did I need a friend, a really good friend. Thank you God.
Docs in the ER are extremely nice, even nicer than nurses. Okay, I’m nervous. Doc’s keep checking Sean’s head and asking questions. Has his forehead always protruded? We had always laughed about his noggin'. Checking soft spots. What’s going on with my baby? I’m scared. Very! I show them the footage, no answers for that. They are really concerned about the fever they can’t get down.
A battery of test ensues. Catheter, flu check, CTScan, etc. Tacara and I put on heavy aprons for the CTScan. Something about them taking Sean and wrapping him up and running him through the scan, just makes me come undone! He looks so vulnerable, so still, so trusting and I just want to make him better! Tacara thinks it’s the coolest thing ever…says he looks like a burrito and wonders why I cry?
Brandi and Amy return. Amy brings food. John arrives. It’s about 8 pm. Fielding calls, and texts, now that I have a signal. I just hold onto my baby boy. Constantly, silently beseeching God to heal him.
We’re all sent from the room as Sean is prepared for the Spinal Tap. John is nervous, but he has an intense fear of needles. I insist that the procedure be made as pain free as possible. He is given a local anesthetic. I walk into the small waiting room to sit with Amy, Brandi and Tacara. but I leave I have to be as close to Sean as possible. Amy comes and prays. I’m thankful to be surrounded by praying friends! Spinal tap went wonderfully! Sean did great! The doctor was awesome. The feel good medicine Sean was given has made him high! It was so funny and offered us a chance to lift some clouds with good ole' laughter! We came back into the room with Sean sipping from this little tube of sweet stuff they put on baby’s pacifiers to help comfort them. And he was talking! In a drunk, kinda slurred way. Even the doctor’s and nurses were laughing. Spinal tap results come back clear. Relief.
Some footage of Sean's High Moment
Sean’s blood is drawn. He’s made ready for IV if one is needed. Time for X-ray’s. He’s placed in this cylinder, clear tube. Arms stretched above his head. Sad, I want to cry again, but as they turn him around in the contraption, he’s furiously licking the tube as he’s X-rayed. Silly boy.
I cry when Sean is admitted to the hospital. That makes it something serious to me. You just don’t get admitted to the hospital! Something has to be seriously wrong!
Amy and Brandi leave. Brandi taking Tacara with her. Tacara is tired and she just wants to sleep. It’s late. Thank you Brandi and Amy. No words. It is times like this that those words are not enough to express the depth of the gratitude you feel, those two words seem such an inappropriate response to such kindness, caring, unselfishness and the sharing of one’s time. How can they be enough? When you’re all alone with your 2 kids’? How can you explain how scared, very scared you were, but then they showed up, and you were strengthen, times 2 and so much more. Thank you is not enough, but it’s all I have and that’s what makes this all even more humbling, because they wouldn’t ask for more. What was given was from an unselfish heart, with no expectations of anything in return. Humbled and deeply grateful.
It’s about midnight when we make it to the room. Sean is clinging to me now. The independence of the 7 month old is gone. He’s been poked and prodded. He’s not letting me go. Perfect, because I wouldn’t dream of releasing him from my arms. A nurse suggests I ask for a bed and have the crib removed. Cool, cause that chair was going to be our bed. This has been a very long day. John can’t stay in the room, only one parent. He leaves to go to the hospital sleeping quarters.
So many thoughts run through my head. My prayer sometime simply consists of saying “Jesus”. Sean’s arms are wrapped tightly around me, even in sleep, his hold is not released. No worry baby boy, I wouldn’t dream of leaving you! Nurses are in and out all night and the doc’s arrive bright and early.
Thursday, July 9th
Doctor’s drop in….different ones rotate throughout the day. Sean is once again poked and prodded. His IV is worrisome. He is now fearful of people and only wants me. I don’t mind. I want to hold him too. Constantly fighting the fever. Head doc thinks it’s viral and the episodes are probably no more than a babies reaction to a headache. But, in the meantime, Sean is to remain on antibiotics via the IV. Tacara is back. Brandi also brings clothes, toiletries, snacks, Bible and games. Really! Can we say how’d you find the time when you had worked the whole previous day and was at the hospital until after 10pm? Good to see my baby girl, I missed her.
Time for the EEG. We all head down…Tacara, John and I. An EEG is a tedious process to set up! And Sean’s mess of hair makes it even worse! The tech is very nice and great with Sean, though Sean was totally through with fooling with strangers now. The tech measured the points for the attachments, that’s by parting Sean’s thick mess of hair as he cried and completely clowned. Than he glues all these attachments down…I’m sure there are technical terms for all this, he uses some suction devise to dry and secure the attachments. Sean is crying the entire time. John and I stay beside him keeping constant contact. Once everything is set up, John and Tacara are asked to step out and I’m instructed to rock and sing to Sean as his resting brainwaves are measured. I’d be glad to! The room is darkened; I rock and sing…Sean drifts off. He has to be awakened for the next phase…great! Flashy, blinking lights and Sean begins to cry. Brains response to energy and light stimulation. Now the clean up. Acetone is used to remove the attachments. Great! Drying acetone, on a black kids’ hair. Nice guy washes Sean’s hair. It would be months before we got all that glue out!
Oh, by the way in the midst of all this scary, uncertainty, I get several visits from all things, the nutritionist. Sean Michael’s current weight is of great concern. How much is he eating? He only needs to eat so much, you know…Here’s a nutritional information packet. They obviously didn’t believe a word I said about the amounts of formula, breast milk and cereal he ate! Totally disregarded it! Did they think I was giving him drumsticks and mash potatoes! I couldn't help that everything he ate stuck. Geez! LOL! Little Chunk!
Waiting on blood cultures. We’ll be staying again. Todd and Jeremiah, guys from the office, good guys, the kind of guys if you get a blow out on the side of the road you hope to see, stop by and bring food and a card containing money collected from the people at work. Thank you! There it goes those silly inappropriate words!
My friend Veronda comes and visits. We pray. Really, when has she not been there?
John manages to be polite and cordial, actually talking directly to me at times. My son is sick, how unimportant, and insignificant is everything else. Such a total waste of time.
Amy brings food!
More company! Danielle, Jacquie, Micaela, Brandi, Toshia & Andre! How good to be surrounded by your closest friends! I was able to escape. It was almost like another day of hanging out. Laughing feels so good! I hated to see them all go. How awesome they are, these women I get to call friends.
Tacara and John leave for Conway. Tacara has to compete in the National Dance Competition in Branson, Missouri. We had been looking forward to a weekend of fun in between all the dancing. Unfortunately, I had to make other arrangements. Tacara was disappointed of course.
Friday, July 10th
The doctor came in early in the morning, there was news. Sean’s blood had tested positive for bacteria! Do you how much this scared me? I had read so much information on bacterial infections, and how bacteria could lead to death. And because of the overuse of antibiotics, bacteria was now growing resistant to antibiotics, and there was super bacteria!
Sean’s hand had swollen scary huge overnight. The IV had fallen out due to the swelling. So, they would have to put a new IV in his foot. Pastor Baker came just in time to hold Sean, as he received the IV in his foot. Sean reached for Pastor as soon as he saw him. Amazing, considering he would only let me hold him. I hated that he had to be put through it, being poked more; he was so tired, he cried a little, but for the most part slept in Pastor’s arms through the whole ordeal.
The head doctor explains about Sean’s possible bacteria infection. She makes it less scary, but the process of getting him better would entail days of antibiotics by IV. Was it the Tylenol that had been recently recalled? Was it the immunizations he'd received 8 days before? Was I the cause? I’d always been so mindful, antibacterial, shopping cart cover, Clorox disinfecting spray. Had I inadvertently exposed Sean to bacteria? The doc said don’t blame yourself, blah blah blah. But, I’m the Mom, the first line of defense. I felt horrible.
I do get a sort of sense of relief knowing something and knowing there’s a treatment path. We have to remain in the hospital another day as we wait for the other blood culture. Another day, the costs are just adding up!
Despite all the stress and uncertainty of the situation, I do enjoy the endless amount of time I have with him. I simply hold him. Being the independent 7 month old hewas, Sean had had no time for holding. Everyone’s gone; I turn to my favorite HGTV and hold my baby as the sun sets on another day. God, I’m looking forward when this whole ordeal is a distant memory.
Saturday, July 11th
It’s Saturday. So tired! The frequent disruptions, temp checks, IV checks, questions. Sean still running a fever. Not as high though. Met new doc…he’s nice and patient as it seems every doctor in this hospital is. He explains more about bacterial infections, the process of finding out.
It’s a laid back day, not many visitors. Amy and Curtis came. John was tired he dozed off and on. Not much news on the cultures today. Attempted to pump, my milk supply is basically over. Due to stress and anxiety hadn’t felt much like pumping and how you suppose to with people in and out all day? I had planned on a year, but it is not looking good.
Sean is definitely starting to feel better. Still has fever, but he's active and playful.
We're getting better!
Is that a smile!
Maybe he was a tad bit overweight...
Sun sets on another day. I waken to the doctor and nurse checking on Sean. It’s about 2 in the morning. Sometime during the night, they had hooked Sean up to a heart monitor. I had completely slept through all that commotion! Sean’s heart rate was extremely low. Doctor says maybe he’s just sleeping really deeply. Dag! Now I’m worried again!
Sunday, July 12th
It’s Sunday. The doctor informs me the blood cultures are inconclusive. Huh? Problems in lab…blah blah blah etc etc. But, hey Sean is better! No fever!
John arrives after church. In attempt to pump, I have to go find the lactation rooms in the neonatal unit. So sad! These tiny little lives fighting! I’ll never forget to continually lift the children and families up in prayer. My brief time here has given me a new empathy for the emotional toil and stress they are under. God heal them all!
Milk supply over. Sigh!
Sean’s IV is removed! Hooray! We’re no longer restricted. A nurse brings us a stroller. We take Sean for a walk. Nice to be out…I feel….normal.
We’re going home! Sean’s no longer running a fever, appetite returning, he’s playing, oh happy day!!!!
Blood cultures are being sent off. Lab results inconclusive. So, what caused Sean’s illness, a viral infection that ran its course or bacteria that was inhibited due to the wide sweep of antibiotics that Sean had been on since Wednesday???? They don’t know, and they said sometimes you just don’t get answers, but you do get a bill! Bam!
John’s parents arrive, just as we receive the news….we’re getting released! I get to packing; my healed boy and I are going home! Thank you thank you Lord! I’m so very very thankful!
I recounted all the above to say this, those short days in the hospital opened my eyes to a truth. There’s no greater gift that I’ve been entrusted with then my two baby’s and the son I was blessed with when I married. They add to my purpose and they deserve the best Mom, I can be. They love me unconditionally, so the conditions that I’m facing shouldn’t affect the kind of Mom I am. They are worth me choosing to deliberately achieve and maintain happiness on purpose.
I’ll always remind myself of a time I called out to God, and asked Him to please give me my Sean back, healthy and whole again, because nothing else mattered. A time when I didn’t know what the ending of this situation was, when for all I knew, I could be losing my son. I had allowed so many things to get me down and depressed and steal so much precious time! But these things were no longer my focus, all was put in the proper perspective. I learned what was truly important and I already had it…and nothing could replace what God had so greatly blessed me with. I promised myself during that time I would allow nothing to steal my joy anymore. When I get down (and I can, things do happen) I fake happiness until I get back up. I will not feed depression anymore. I focus on that which is good. I have family, friends and I have love and as corny as it sounds, it’s more than enough. I do heart life and I’m very thankful for it, though I do fully expect a better tomorrow, I’m grateful for life as it is, right here, right now, at this moment.
And though it’s been used thousand’s of times, I couldn’t resist tee hee…….
Doctor’s Bill $500
Hospital Stay after Insurance $4000
Discovering what is truly important Absolutely Priceless!
Enjoying the 4th of July Fireworks 2010
2 comments:
After the long anticipated wait...you did more than come through with a remarkable post! God is so good! Love ya homie!!!
I just want to hug you and that precious baby boy right now. You have a wonderful heart and amazing friends. Love ya!
Post a Comment